Winter House
Loveboys, City Girls, and Yachties — Oh My! Season 3 Episode 1 Editor’s Rating «Previous Next» « Previous Episode Next Episode Winter House
Loveboys, City Girls, and Yachties — Oh My! Season 3 Episode 1 Editor’s Rating «Previous Next» « Previous Episode Next EpisodeIt’s a whole new era for the artist formerly known as Winter House. This show started as a winter trip for the cast of Summer House with a little bit of Southern Charm’s de-toppling the patriarchy thrown in. This season, we have a cast from across the Bravo diaspora. The only people returning are my imaginary husband, Kyle McGill Cooke, and my imaginary sister-wife, Amanda Batula. Kory Keefer has also returned to fuckboy himself all over a whole new location. Yes, there will be an appearance by Tom Schwartz right in the middle of the #Scandoval maelstrom, but that’s about it for returning victors.
Instead, we get an amalgamation of cast from Below Deck, Family Karma, and the underrated Summer House: Martha’s Vineyard. I think this is a great idea. No one in the house is really bogged down with too much drama from previous seasons of this show or their own show. I hope they have time to get to know one another and see where the chemistry lies. Also, the cast of Below Deck, specifically, is used to being together for only a few weeks, quickly forming bonds and, even more important, quickly forming relationships. If you wanted a cast that was going to engage in the three F’s of reality television — fighting, fucking, and falling over — then this is it.
We’re also in a new house in a new state. Instead of Kyle’s native Stowe, Vermont, we’re in Steamboat Springs, Colorado. Quick, someone tell Malia White that marijuana is legal here, so she shouldn’t call the cops on anyone and have them fired. #JusticeForHannah.
Three couples land in the house immediately. Malia and Katie Flood not only work on the same yacht, they also share an apartment and are best friends. They tell us it’s like a relationship without the sex, which, really, is most relationships. (ZING!) Then we get Danielle Olivera and her friend, Casey Craig. Casey is the only Bravo newbie of the whole cast, and all we know about her so far is that she works in crypto. Danger! Danger! Please avoid at all costs! It’s giving me major Jess from last season vibes, and I do not like it at all.
The final couple is Kyle and Amand … no wait. It’s Kyle and Kory. Has Bravo been reading my Wattpad slash fiction about these two? Is this a gift just for me? I would join whatever sex cult these two are leading, no matter what the initiation is. It’s probably arriving in a house that you are going to share with a dozen others, immediately shotgunning a Loverboy, getting it all over the counter, and then throwing your empty cans across the room as if they have never even thought about ants or keeping something clean for the rest of the people to enjoy.
The next couple to arrive is Brian Benni and Alex Propson. They are from Family Karma and Below Deck Sailing Yacht, respectfully, and I don’t watch either of those shows, also respectfully. I’m sorry, but I can’t watch every single program on Bravo. Don’t you dare tell Andy. The last to arrive is Jordan Emanuel from the aforementioned Martha’s Vineyard edition of Summer House. She reminds me of Michael Jordan in that whenever anyone shoots their shot with her, she always manages to block it.
The rest of the episode unfolds in the usual manner for this show. Everyone arrives, picks rooms, someone is disappointed, mostly everyone is happy, and then they just start drinking immediately until Kyle starts peeing on every surface on the back deck to make sure that everyone knows that he is the OG, and even if it is not his home state, this is still his territory.
The biggest difference this season is that there was no shanty town of Amazon boxes waiting on the front porch for the guests on their arrival. Oh, the boxes were still there; this time they just hid them all in front of the garage door rather than on the front porch. So much easier to load you in with, my dear.
As the partying starts, Brian gets his bestie Alex to give the toast that he always gives when he meets new people. “Here’s to condoms and rattlesnakes, two things I don’t fuck with,” he says. What is the opposite of a panty dropper, because that is what this line is? Is it a wedgie? Is it a thong mustache? What do we call something that could zap all of the moisture out of all the women in the immediate vicinity? Is it an air fryer? I’m at a loss.
What this episode is all about is who is attracted to whom. When Danielle first meets Alex, she says, “Do I like this well-conditioned-hair man? I have two eyes [pregnant pause] and a vagina.” Girl, let’s hope that pause isn’t too damn pregnant, okay? Oh, yes! Danielle is single now. I guess we all knew that she broke out with her ex, Robert, as of the last Summer House reunion, but it’s official, and she says he put the kibosh on any sort of reconciliation. Good. I’m ready to see Danielle latch onto someone here for the fame and followers and keep leaning into her main-character energy, especially since Lindsay Hubbard isn’t around to fuck with her mojo.
Both Katie and Malia say that they are into Kory but also not that he has fuckboy written all over him. I am crushed by this accuracy because even if Kory had fuckboy tattooed across his ample and defined chest, he still couldn’t be any more of a fuckboy than he already is. I’m glad they both see that. He explains his relationship with Sam from Summer House as “not having a label on it” and “not too serious,” even though Sam’s good friend Danielle is at the other end of the table saying, “Cough bullshit,” under her breath.
Brian, my namesake and fellow slut, says, “Alex and I have the same type, which is anyone.” Well, that’s not entirely true because they are both going after Jordan. She says they didn’t come in hot, they came in scorching, just like a case of herpes you can’t get rid of. Alex gets Jordan in the hot tub and floats over to get a kiss, and as he’s about to connect, she turns her face away and says, “No, no, no, no,” as he hovers in midair with only his rejection keeping him buoyant over the gushing jets.
After Jordan shoots him down, he goes to bed, but now it’s Brian’s turn. He tries to get Jordan to walk him down to their bedrooms and kind of leans in for a kiss, and Jordan is just like, “Helllllllll to the no. To the no, no, no.” The next morning, neither of them remembered that they even tried it because they were so drunk. Well, I believe that about Alex; I think that Brian is just trying to save what little face he has left.
Jordan certainly remembers, though, and when the group divides along gender lines to go tubing, she tells the rest of the girls that both, yes both, of them tried to be the Pippen to her Jordan. (Speaking of which, why did no one invite Larsa Pippen and her much younger boyfriend, the other Jordan?) Tubing is a cute little lark, but Alex gets nice and flirty with Danielle, talking about how he is intimidated by her “boss bitch” energy and how he likes that. Her response: “Why don’t you stick to one girl at a time.” I thought this season was going to be all new: new people, new house, new romances, new fights. But instead, it’s the tale as old as time, familiar ways to watch asshole men embarrass themselves. Luckily, we have Tom Schwartz to save us from all of that, or at least distract us with some Sandoval tea that is so stale at this point that Kyle wouldn’t even turn it into Loverboy. Welcome to the new era, same as the old one, I guess.
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