What we learned from the weekend’s TV: no-one wants Poldark's putrid throat

There was a bad case of plotline overload during the last episode of Poldark, some sous-vide action on the MasterChef final, and some hair issues on both The Big Bang Theory and Three in a Bed

Watch out for putrid throat

And so he rides for the last time. Until series two (already commissioned). The last episode of Poldark (Sunday, BBC1) and the last opportunity to understand the subplot involving angry pseudo-aristo types, copper and smelting works. But what’s this? The Putrid Throat. “I would not wish the Putrid Throat on my last enemy,” said the Captain. At least aunt Agatha (Poldark’s answer to Downton’s Cousin Violet) is not at risk. “Ninety-three and the appetite of a girl of 20,” she announced, whilst snaffling her nephew’s supper. This was not a cheery episode. Please not Demelza! The Twin Peaks hallucinogenic bit was a bit weird. And then the worst: a dead baby. “Everything I touch is cursed,” said Poldark, overwhelmed by the attendance at his daughter’s funeral. But what’s this? A shipwreck. Bringing pilchards for all. Or not quite all. “T’ain’t right. T’ain’t fair. T’ain’t proper. T’is our beach.” But what’s this? Off to jail! Huge emotions, lots of excellent acting, probably a bit too much flashing between different plotlines. True of this episode. And true of the whole series. Adieu, Captain. See some glimpses of your chest again soon.

Sous-vide operation is a basic skill nowadays

I wept throughout most of the MasterChef final (Friday, BBC1) following the “this is my journey” Pop-Idol-circa-2001 video segments at the beginning. Simon and Emma both have four children! Simon is a single dad! Emma also runs a successful luxury travel business! Tony wears a bow tie when he goes to the butcher! And he loves to sew on his sewing machine! There was an undeniable foreshadowing with Simon’s newspaper cutting from his childhood: he won a competition once. Surely he will win again? And, of course, he did. Simon is symbolic of everything that is good and bad about this series. He’s a genius chef, learns quickly from his mistakes and is generally an excellent role model. On the other hand, though, his perfection has been maybe a bit, er, boring. This combined with the ridiculous standard now expected has elevated this show into something that might be more at home on a foodie channel. I’m sure you didn’t need to know about sous-vide to compete before. How many “amateur cooks” have got one of those at home? Or maybe I’m behind the times, seeing as you can buy a sous-vide starter kit for around £100. I will continue to make toast.

When sitcom characters cut their hair, it’s the beginning of the end

We’re now on series eight of The Big Bang Theory (Sunday, E4) and apparently Penny has had short hair for some time. Not sure why I didn’t notice until now. But it has pointed up some shortcomings in what is otherwise a brilliant series, possibly better than Friends ever was. The characters are drawn in broad brushstrokes: a bunch of nerds and their geeky girl-next-door girlfriends. After such a long and successful run you can sense the actors straining at the seams of their characters. This is a problem when series 10 has just been commissioned, scheduled for 2016. I think Penny’s haircut was a protest. Friends lasted 10 seasons. The 21st century equivalent deserves to go out with a bang not a whimper. Maybe time to do a Penny and cut it short?

A hair in a bed is unacceptable. Especially pubic.

I love Three in a Bed (Sunday, Channel 4). B&B owners stay in each other’s properties and say how much they would pay to stay there if they were punters. The moment when they open the envelope containing the money – and carefully count it out – is priceless. Here’s 81-year-old Irene running The Don in Snowdonia’s historic mining town Blaenau Ffestiniog, recently awarded three stars by Visit Wales. She’s going to make it a successful business if it kills her. Meanwhile, online sweethearts Cath and Dave think they are running Blackpool’s classiest B&B. On the Scottish borders Michael and Jane designed their own house: “Our breakfasts are second to none.” A hair on the bed? Not acceptable. “Not pubic hair. It’s impossible,” responded Irene. In Blackpool, everyone complained about the (lack of) views. “Well, at least we’ve got beautiful decor indoors.” In Scotland: “This isn’t a B&B. It’s someone’s house.” And there’s another hair! With snobbery, Schadenfreude and judgement all round, this is the most quintessentially British programme on telly. Even more so than Come Dine With Me. Wonderful.

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