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• I struggled to make new friends when I moved to a new state.
• I decided to take the idea of arranged marriages and apply it to friendships.
• It strengthened my relationships, and now I coach others on how to do the same.

After an unfruitful decadelong quest to find close friends, I decided to apply the principles of arranged marriages to friendships. I grew up in Iran, where I had seen arranged couples enjoying loving and long-lasting marriages. But I had no idea that an arranged-friendship experiment would profoundly change my life and transform my other relationships. The idea came to me as a last-ditch effort following 10 years of drudging in the friendship desert of modern life.

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My journey began when my American husband and I moved to California as parents of a newborn. I was eager to find friends, and I tried everything: mommy groups, book clubs, artist gatherings, an improv class, dance lessons, meetups, PTA meetings, scouting parties for potential friends, and more. Though I enjoyed myself, I rarely met people with whom I formed sustained intimate friendships. So, in 2018, I asked six women I'd met at conferences, gatherings, and workshops whether they wanted to join me in an arranged-friendship experiment where we committed to being friends first and let the friendship take root as we got to know one another. They agreed, and we entered an arranged friendship together. Our experiment worked.

I began helping others start their own arranged friendship groups

In 2021, I wrote a short op-ed about our group because I thought others could benefit from our success, and since then I've received many enthusiastic responses from people worldwide who want to try the same thing. I now lead workshops and officiate commitment ceremonies for friends. I have also written a detailed guide on how to go about creating arranged-friendship groups. At the time, I had an inkling that my method would resonate with people, but what surprised me the most were the messages from those who weren't seeking arranged friendships but wanted to address their dissatisfaction with existing friends.

The author and all her friends get together every few months. Courtesy of the author

In my opinion, the problem with many friendships is that we don't often cultivate them — they happen to us with little intentionality and structure. Unfortunately, satisfying friendships are becoming increasingly elusive. As I've experienced and observed with others, applying the tenets of romantic partnerships — such as defining the relationship and making a commitment — leads to more intimate and satiating time spent with friends.

Prioritizing friendships is important, but many don't know how

It's not easy to prioritize friendships, even though having a supportive community with good friends is just as important — or more important — than romantic partnerships. Most of us are exhausted, work too much, and don't have the bandwidth to seek and maintain friendships. As a result, we unintentionally spend a lot of face time with our screens and less face time with our loved ones. But even when we try to prioritize friendships, like I strive to, we can encounter one roadblock after another. Applying structures similar to those in a romantic partnership can help revitalize and sustain friendships.

Many people I meet have envisioned ideal romantic dates but have never pictured an ideal platonic date. Imagining a perfect friend date is now one of the most popular exercises in my workshops. It's also rare to have the classic "defining-the-relationship" talk in friendships, so one person ends up considering another a good friend — or even their best friend — while to the second person, the two are merely acquaintances.

The arranged-friendship model has brought clarity to my relationship with myself and others. I'm now more deliberate in how I prioritize my time and I do what nourishes me. I'm also no longer shy about asking how other people define our connection. I ask whether they're satisfied with our level of transparency and intimacy, and I practice communicating my love, gratitude, and relationship needs, such as honesty and healthy boundaries. If we're not on the same page, it becomes clear that it's time to move on.

Last summer, I performed a commitment ceremony for a nearby group that wanted to enter an arranged friendship. It was a gorgeous, teary gathering. The six-person group is still together and keeps in touch with me. They said the formal-initiation process helped cement their connection. They meet regularly and have even met some of my friends.

One common misconception about arranged friendships is that there's a lack of choice. Because I was intentional in this experiment, I was much pickier than I'd been with my "chance friendships." The most common question I get is, "Where did you find your friends?" I let my intuition guide me and present the arranged idea to those with whom I feel a kinship.

Though I found my people at workshops, gatherings, and conferences, there are countless other places and ways to connect with others. You can try apps, clubs, and meetup groups. We all get together every few months and go on one-on-one dates, day trips, and longer retreats as a group.

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