When we do have sex, it’s a struggle for me to get aroused and I miss the parts of her body I once enjoyed

I am a 29-year-old man who has been in a relationship for nearly three years. My girlfriend has recently lost nearly two stone, going from a size 12 to 10, on an intermittent fasting diet and, while I am proud and pleased she did so, I have noticed I am less physically attracted to her than I once was.

I really enjoy my girlfriend’s newfound confidence, but when we have sex now it’s a struggle for me to get aroused and I feel disappointed when reaching for the parts of her body I once enjoyed immensely. I then feel guilty for not being so attracted to her, which makes my internal situation worse.

I had this issue with a previous girlfriend. She took it badly and would bring it up in every subsequent argument or failed sexual encounter, quickly ruining the relationship. My current girlfriend has an altogether dimmer view of my preferences and is quite old fashioned when it comes to sex due to her strict Christian upbringing.

Your particular erotic triggers are not uncommon. But as you are obviously aware, issues regarding weight gain and loss can be acutely sensitive in our culture – especially for women. There may be a way to subtly help your partner to understand the complexity of your feelings, but careful preparation would be required. Could you very simply and honestly express the duality of your appreciation for her reaching of her health goals versus your focus of attraction? If you decide to attempt this, you must first be very clear in your mind about what exactly you hope to achieve.

Being strongly fixated on specific aspects of people (rather than the whole person) can constitute a fetish. And fetishistic interests often mean that – even if one truly loves and respects a partner in most ways – elements of her can be objectified and craved in a way that she might find demeaning. You are clearly somewhat ashamed of this, yet it is part of who you are – something that has developed over a long period of time – probably since childhood.

Learn all you can about the psychological and behavioural mechanism of fetishism and try to relate that learning to your own early experiences. In doing so, you may gain greater self-acceptance – and vital insights into how to safely introduce your partner to your real self.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
  

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